That is right! I teach my clients to lie and I feel perfectly ok with it. As a doula and as a lactation counselor, I have seen many clients struggle with finding their strong parental voice when it comes to extended family. I can appreciate the sticky spot they feel they are in. When you are becoming a new parent you want your own parents and siblings to feel included. People are excited to be involved in many aspects of the new family’s journey and the new parents want to share their joy.
Sometimes however, new parents begin to receive unwanted advice. They may also experience their extended family making choices involving their new baby that they do not feel comfortable with. These choices could be anything from visiting baby while they have a cold to a care provider putting their baby to sleep on their belly when parents put her down on her back. Family members are certainly sincere in wanting to help. They also are typically drawing from their own experience of raising children. The problem lies in how much has changed. Recommended sleeping positions have gone from belly to sleep, to side, to back to sleep just in the last 25 years or so. How about feeding recommendations, or car seat recommendations, they have all changed drastically.
New parents do not want to offend or hurt family but also need to assert their authority and make their choices known. This is where my suggestion to lie come in. I explain to parents that if they are struggling with their family or friends, to start saying “the doctor said”. There it is, the big lie! Yes I would rather parents just be able to say “because that is what we want” but again it can be tricky. Using the phrase, “The doctor said” is very rarely met with resistance. Let me give you some examples. “The doctor said no visitors in the hospital.” “The doctor said everyone should wash their hands before holding baby.” “The doctor said mom is not to do laundry.” “The doctor said parents are to nap daily for six weeks.” “The doctor said to hold my baby as often as I can.” “The doctor said to nurse him until 3.” “The doctor said he is fine to fuss in his crib.” See how that works… It just gives them a tool to make their wishes known and express the importance without hurt feelings or arguments. It typically isn’t long until parents find their confidence and no longer need the doctor said. Until then, this doula in Maine will continue to teach them to lie.